New Joke Thread......

[KillerOnion]

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
A Scotsman shouts "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

Why can't the AA's tour bus drive in the rain?
All the wipers are inside.

A guide at a lodge takes out a yankee (that's anyone from up in the north in the States for you Brits...calling someone from the south a yank will likely get your teeth knocked out and/or your neck broken) on his first trip deer hunting. He says to the guy, "This is your place. I'll bring the truck around to the road just after dark. If ya get lost, just fire a couple of shots up in the air and I'll come find you." A few hours pass, and the yankee hasn't seen any deer, so he gets bored and walks around a bit. Naturally he gets lost. He remebers the guide's advice, so he shoots in the air a couple of times. Ten minutes pass and nothing happens. He shoots again in the air. Still nothing. It gets dark and he gets worried. He thinks "Damn, I hope that guy gets around here soon. I'm running out of arrows."

 

[Russell Smith]

Killer Onion

The AA joke would be so funny if it also was not true.
Loved the yankee one.

 

[Russell Smith]

A farmer takes his wife to the cattle sales and since he wants to buy a bull for breeding they start to look.

The first one they see they get told he mated 49 times last year and his wife looks at him and says you did'nt do that much last year.

They see the second one and are told he mated 142 times last year.
Again the wife looks at her husband and says are you taking note it proves you are not doing your duties.

They then go and see a fine speciem and get told by the farmer who owns him that he mated every day last year.
At this point the the wife starts to give her husband a right ear bashing and is complaining no end about the lack of bedroom antics.
Until finally the husband cracks and shouts at his wife, Go and ask that farmer if that bull had to f**k the same COW every day

 

[-Pikachu-]

Two rich midget-men on a bender in Vegas hire two hookers and take 'em out for a night on the town. After cocktails and gambling, they all head back to their hotel room at the MGM Grand.
However, the night doesn't quite turn out as planned. Since he's had too much to drink, one of the midgets can't get it up at all, and, to make matters worse, he has to listen to the other one say "1, 2, 3, huh... 1, 2, 3, huh," over and over again, all night. The next morning at breakfast, the first midget is complaining.

"Man, did that suck. I was soft all night."

"You think that's bad," said the other midget. "I couldn't even get onto the bed!"

 

[Sloth]

This is a story about an unfortunate man called 'One Stone'.... He had aquired this nickname because he only had one testicle....

One day he walking through the park when a woman he knew called over...."Hello One Stone, hows it going?"

"Right" says One Stone, "The next woman to call me One Stone gets it!!"

He walks yet further into the park and another woman calls over...
"Hello One Stone, hows it hanging?"

True to his word, he grabs the woman, takes her behind a bush and f*cks her to death.

With a smile on his face he carries on his merry way. Not ten minutes pass but another woman calls to poor old One Stone...

"Hi, One Stone where are you off too?"

"Right", proclaims One Stone and grabs the woman just like the last and pushes her into the bushes. He screws her for what seems like hours and hours but the b!tch won't die like the last one..... Eventually he gives up and out of breath he asks the woman why she hasn't died. The woman turns to him and says...

"Haven't you heard - You can't kill two birds with one stone!!"

 

[Sloth]

I hear Anthony Hopkins is starring in a new Hannibal film where he plays a baby eating cannibal...

Its gunna be called "Silence of the Prams"

 

[Tony]

Two nuns in the bath,

First nun, "where's the soap?"

Second nun, "yes, it does, doesn't it?"

 

[SiKK]

..... aw nuts... he who laughs last thinks slowest, and i dont' get it

 

[thebestthereis]

I aplogise in advance for these jokes

whats the hardest thing about licking a hairless fanny?

getting the nappy off

Guy comes home from a business conference and runs up the stairs to his room and jums into bed, here he proceeds to do everything possible to his wife (oral, anal, facial the whole lot) he then goes into the bath room to remove the pubic hairs from his teeth and sees his wife in the bath, he turns to her and shouts HOW THE **** DID YOU DO THAT? his wife turns and wispers SHHHHHHHHH! the kids are asleep in our bed.

whats blue and orange and lies at the bottom of swimming pools?

baby with burst armbands

later chris

 

[Mark]

not really a joke but makes you think

This will put you off food for at least a couple of hours!!!!

A woman had been absent from college for a number of weeks. When she
returned one of her close friends was curious as to why she had been sick
for so long. The following story emerged. The woman and her boyfriend
enjoyed involving food in their foreplay,mars bars, cream, syrup, gravy,
peanut butter, you name it. One day the boyfriend, before going to work,
made his sandwiches for the day: Tuna & mayonnaise leaving the left over
tuna & mayo lying on the kitchen top.
He went to work, came home, had dinner and relaxes for a night in with his
girlfriend. Time passes and the pair of them get in the mood and start
"doing the do". The boyfriend leaps up, after yodelling in the canyon for a
while, and remembers the tuna mayo. He gets the tuna & mayo off the kitchen
and begins to slap it all over his girlfriend's body (applying voluminous
amounts to her vaginal area and starts to lick it off.) Two days later after
their night of tuna & mayo lust has passed, the couple start to feel very
ill. The boyfriend first, he seems to be unable to stop vomiting and the
girlfriend later who keeps on getting severe stomach cramps. The boyfriend
puts this down to eating the tuna mayo that had been lying out uncovered all
day, and sure enough his jippy belly soon eases off after day or so, His
girlfriend, however,continues to feel ill, her pain worsening and her
abdominal area becoming increasingly sore and tender. This goes on for a few
more days until the girlfriend can't even get out of her bed for the pain in
her crotch and abdominal area. So her boyfriend takes her to the doctors,
who recommends she sees a gynaecologist. Thinking she may have cervical
cancer, the gynaecologist checks her out and to his horror discovers far
inside the woman's vagina is a swarm of maggots that have been eating into
her upper vaginal cavity. Apparently what happened was the tuna mayo, after
being left uncovered,in the sun, attracted a number of flies, who naturally
laid their eggs, which
the boyfriend ate and the girlfriend "incubated"!

ANOTHER TRUE STORY...........

This woman went through the drive thru of Wendy's for lunch a couple of
years ago. She ordered a chicken sandwich (the breaded kind...before spicy
chicken or grilled chicken became big sellers ) and specifically requested
NO MAYO because she couldn't stand the stuff. She drove away without
confirming that she got what she ordered. As shedrove, she began to eat the
sandwich and realized that there was Mayo on it. She was none too pleased
but was so hungry that she ate it anyway. When she got about halfway through
the sandwich, she began to feel very ill. She stopped eating the sandwich
but felt increasingly worse as she began to drive. She felt so bad that she
drove herself to the hospital emergency room. She took her sandwich with her
since she started feeling bad after eating the sandwich. The hospital
performed tests on both her and the sandwich and found out the
following...the sandwich actually didn't have any mayo on it. In reality,
the chicken had a tumor on its breast. When the chicken was breaded and
fried, the tumor burst inside the breaded chicken breast. The mayo-like
substance was actually puss from the tumor. Kind of makes you want to swear
off fast food and mayo, doesn't it!

ANOTHER TRUE STORY......

This girl was really in a hurry one day so she just stopped off at a Taco
Bell and got a Chicken soft taco and ate it on the way home. That night she
noticed her jaw was kind of tight and swollen. The next day it was a little
worse so she went to her doctor. He said she was just having an allergic
reaction to something and gave her some cream to rub on her jaw to help.
After a couple of days the swelling had just gotten worse and she could
hardly move her jaw. She went back to her doctor to see what was wrong. Her
doctor had no idea so he started to run some tests. They scrubbed out the
inside of her mouth to get tissue samples and they also took some saliva
samples. Well, they found out what was wrong. Apparently her chicken soft
taco had a pregnant cockroach in the one she ate!!!! The eggs then somehow
got into her saliva glands and she was incubating them. They had to remove a
couple layers of her inner mouth to get all the eggs out. If they hadn't
figured out what was going on, the eggs would have hatched inside the lining
of her mouth!
YUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!