todays cheers up joke is....
- Thread starter bruce
- Start date
every dayOriginally posted by Hardeep Pala
OK
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other
is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting
in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the
edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late
and we're all gonna die."
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other
is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting
in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the
edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late
and we're all gonna die."
A young lad walks into a department store and upon finding the Lingerie department he sheepishly asks the assistant,
"Excuse me Miss but do you sell maternity bras?"
The assistant answers the man " Of course we do sir, we stock an entire range with many styles, colours and sizes. Do you happen to know what bust?"
The Lad thinks for a while then blurts out
" Of course I f***ing do, the condom!!!"
(I'll get me coat)
"Excuse me Miss but do you sell maternity bras?"
The assistant answers the man " Of course we do sir, we stock an entire range with many styles, colours and sizes. Do you happen to know what bust?"
The Lad thinks for a while then blurts out
" Of course I f***ing do, the condom!!!"
(I'll get me coat)
O
ollytheosteo
Guest
A lady elephant is walking through the jungle when she catches her foot in a snare so cunningly woven from creepers that she cannot break or loosen it's grip. As she stands loudly bemoaning her fate her woeful cries attact the attention of a passing mouse, who stops and asks her what ails her. She explains, at which point the mouse offers to free her only if she allows him to have sex with her afterwards. Thinking "well, how bad can it be?" she agrees, at which point the mouse swiftly gnaws through the snare and then demands his reward.
As she stands there with the tiny mouse busily engaged somewhere in the vicinity of her nether regions a passing monkey spies the odd couple and, after laughing so hard he nearly falls from the tree, throws a coconut that strikes her sharply on the head. She screams in pain, at which point the mouse shouts "Yeah, take it bitch".
As she stands there with the tiny mouse busily engaged somewhere in the vicinity of her nether regions a passing monkey spies the odd couple and, after laughing so hard he nearly falls from the tree, throws a coconut that strikes her sharply on the head. She screams in pain, at which point the mouse shouts "Yeah, take it bitch".
Q) What do you call a woman who wins a strawberry picking conest with no arms and legs....?
A) A jammy twat
A) A jammy twat
Lee and Olly are out hunting in the woods, when Olly collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. Lee takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My 'friend' is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
He gasps: "My 'friend' is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Lee from Red Heat is driving to a tournament with a team mate in the car. The team mate says
"faster Lee, faster!"
so Lee puts his foot down, 30, 35 miles an hour then
Bang!!
They look in the mirror and Lee says "shame.....we hit a cat"
so they carry on and the team mate says
"faster Lee, faster!"
so Lee puts his foot down, 35, 40 miles an hour then
Bang!
They look in the mirror and Lee says "shame......we hit a dog"
so they carry on and the team mate says
"faster Lee faster!"
so Lee puts his foot down, 45, 50, 60 miles an hour the
Bang Bang!
They look in the mirror and Lee says "shame we hit Ollytheosteo"
and the team mate replies
"why was there two Bangs Lee?"
and Lee replies
"well I had to go up the curb first! That'll learn him"
"faster Lee, faster!"
so Lee puts his foot down, 30, 35 miles an hour then
Bang!!
They look in the mirror and Lee says "shame.....we hit a cat
" so they carry on and the team mate says
"faster Lee, faster!"
so Lee puts his foot down, 35, 40 miles an hour then
Bang!
They look in the mirror and Lee says "shame......we hit a dog
"so they carry on and the team mate says
"faster Lee faster!"
so Lee puts his foot down, 45, 50, 60 miles an hour the
Bang Bang!
They look in the mirror and Lee says "shame we hit Ollytheosteo
" and the team mate replies
"why was there two Bangs Lee?"
and Lee replies
"well I had to go up the curb first! That'll learn him"