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todays cheers up joke is....

A man was in a butcher's shop when a dog walked in with a basket in his mouth. In the basket there was a shopping list and some money. The dog gave the basket to the butcher and the butcher put the dogs order in and took out the money. The man was amazed at this intelligent dog and decided to follow him home. When the dog arrived at his house he knocked on the door with his paw. The door opened and out came a gigantic thug who started to kick the dog up and down the street. The man was shocked by this but did nothing. The next day the man was walking by the dog's house again when he saw the dog knocking at the door with his paw. Again the huge thug came out and kicked the dog up and down the street. Again the man was shocked but did nothing. This happened two more times before the man finally decided to confront the huge thug. He knocked at the door and out came the thug. "Why do you keep kicking such an intelligent dog around" said the man. "That's the fifth time this week the ******* forgot his key" said the thug.
 

Mario

Pigeon amongst the cats
Sep 25, 2002
6,044
40
133
Location, Location.
man walks into a bar and orders six shots of vodka. Barman asks if he's celebrating. Man says 'ive just had my first blow job.' barman says ' congratulations have a seventh on the house' man says 'no offence mate, but if six shots doesn't get the taste out then nothing will'

man walks into a bar and says ouch.

horse walks into a bar, barman says ' why the long face?'

:)
 

Secret Ninja

New Member
May 5, 2005
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NEWS FLASH - there has been a Renault Espace gone off the cliffs of Dover. The 5 occupants are members of the Red Heat paintball team. All have died. It's a shame really as you can fit 7 in an Espace

(joke)
 

Shylad

Checkout the pussy
Sep 23, 2004
410
0
36
57
Sunny Brum
Woman taking a shower

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to
whites and coloureds. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups.
Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide
loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural
avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould
spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap
hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you
see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

Man taking a shower

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed leave in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom if you see wife along the way - shake k*ob
at her making woo-hoo sound.
Look at manly physique in the mirror, admire size of k*ob and scratch
your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let
the water rinse it off.
Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound
in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your
bum, leaving four pubes stuck on the soap.
Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on the floor. Admire k*ob size in mirror again.
Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan
on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off
towel, shake k*ob at her and make woo-hoo noise. Again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
 

DANIEL

Active Member
Jun 25, 2002
686
7
43
At the top.
Visit site
> > I got a new car radio yesterday and it is terrific.
>> >
> > If I say "Rock" it plays rock and roll.
> >
> > If I say "Rap" it plays rap.
> >
> > If I say "Love" it plays love songs.
> >
> > > Three kids ran out in front of the car
> >
> >> > and I said
> > "F *#^ing kids!"
> >
> >
> > And it played Michael Jackson.
> >
 
O

ollytheosteo

Guest
Not mine- these are courtesy of Inspector Weasel and the nice folks at ringerpatrol.net;

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cr eam to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this guy says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure.. you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat guys in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.