New thread for Jokes?

[Buddha 3]

The story you are about to hear is true........(or so it said in the paper anyway)

The radar guy onboard the USS Enterprise picks up a signal that is right in front of them. The Enterprise people get on the radio, and contact the signal.....
'This is the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise. You are presently on a collission course with us. We have to ask you to change your course.'
'I'm afraid I can't do that.....'
'I say again. This is the USS Enterprise. A United States warship. I demand that you change your course instantly!'
'I say again. I can't do that.'
'This is your final warning. This is the USS Enterpise! If you do not change your course this instant, your actions will be considered hostile!'
'This is a lighthouse........'

 

[Walker (Nitro)]

toooooo sick

A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "What's that?"
The mom answers, "A vagina."
And the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"
And the mom answers, "As soon as you grow up."
Then the little girl goes up to her dad and asks, "What's that?"
And the dad answers, "A penis."
So the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"
And the the dad answers, "As soon as your mom goes to work."


A pretty young 12 year old girl has her Grandma's birthday coming up and being conscientious young lady she tries to thinks of something special she can get.
After begging her mother she is allowed to go into town on her own to get the present. Come Saturday afternoon, she dresses up in her little red skirt and her mother kisses her goodbye and warns her to be careful.
On the way into town a flashy red Porsche screeches up next to her and the guy asks her if she wants a lift. As she daintily replies "No thank you," she notices a sticker for the local radio station in the rear window and gets a brilliant idea.
"Do you work at the radio station?" she asks.
"I own it. I'm the DJ and I'm the boss!!" he falsely replies.
"Wow," she innocently squeaks, "would you let me say Happy Birthday to my Grandma on the radio??"
He laughs her off in a cool way and tells her that its a serious radio station for cool music and grown ups and that would be out of the question.
Still excited at her idea and sure that she can get her own way, she jumps up and down shrieking, "Oh please, please, I'll do anything!"
"Anything you say eh? Well OK then, maybe just this once we can fit you in," he smiles ryely, and invites her to get in.
About a mile down the road he pulls into a secluded layby and runs around to her side of the car. He pops out his swollen tool which he has been caressing for the past five minutes and with the viens bulging out of his neck and his eyes focussed on the clouds shouts, "Come on then, come on!!"
She turn bright red and says, embarrassed, "I can't, I can't."
Getting more and more angry he persuades her, "Come on, come on, come on!!!"
After several hesitations she suddenly grabs his penis puts the blood filled red end close to her lips and quickly shouts..........
"Hello Grandma, Happy Birthday!!"

 

[Cook$]

guy phones into work
"sorry boss, i cant come in today, im sick"
Boss
"How sick"
Guy
"im in bed with my sister"

l8r
Cooks

 

[Joao Duro]

A blond is on vacations in Alasca, and goes fishing on a froozen lake.
She buys the hole equipment, fills up a thermo of hot chocolate and hits the fishing site.
Once there she methodically sets ups everything, the chair, the fishing rod, the works. Cuts a round hole thru the ice, casts the line and...
- "THERE IS NO FISH UNDER THIS ICE!!!" sounds a booming voice from the skies above.

A little surprised she gethers all her trinckets and moves to another site.

There she goes again, setting up everything nicelly, sits down, sips a bit of hot choc, takes the rod...
- "THERE IS NO FISH UNDER THIS ICE!!!"

Her heart racing, and a bit scared, the blond puts all her stuff together and moves again.

New hole ...
- "THERE IS NO FISH UNDER THIS ICE!!!"

This time the blond stares up and says:
-" Is that You, o Lord?!"
-"No lady, i'm the manager of this ice skating ring!!!"

 

[Emerson]

Okay, I got an old one here but no doubt every one hasn't heard it:

Duck walks in to a bar and goes up to the bartender and says (squeaks) "Got any crumbs?"
The bartender, shocked that he heard a duck talk says "No, I'm sorry, I don't have any crumbs."
The duck walks in the next day..."Got any crumbs?"
"No, I DO NOT HAVE ANY CRUMBS."
The duck walks in to the bar again, waddles up to the bartender and says (you guessed it) "Got any crumbs?"
"NO YOU STUPID DUCK I DO NOT HAVE ANY CRUMBS AND IF YOU COME IN HERE AND ASK THAT QUESTION ONE MORE TIME I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!" The duck leaves.

The duck waddles up to the bartender the next day, "Got any nails?"
"No...."
"Got any crumbs?"

That joke was funnier last time I heard it for some reason. Oh well...

btw, those baby jokes were sick...very sick...