>Subject: 365 days of sex
> > >
> > >
> > > TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (OR WIFE):
> > > During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
> > > I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every
> > > ten days.
> > > The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
> > > 54 times the sheets were clean
> > > 7 times it was too late
> > > 49 times you were too tired
> > > 20 times it was too hot
> > > 15 times you pretended to be asleep
> > > 22 times you had a headache
> > > 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
> > > 16 times you said you were too sore
> > > 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
> > > 19 times you had to get up early
> > > 9 times you said weren't in the mood
> > > 7 times you were sunburned
> > > 6 times you were watching the late show
> > > 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
> > > 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
> > > 9 times you said your mother would hear us
> > >
> > > Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not
> > > satisfactory because:
> > > 6 times you just laid there
> > > 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
> > > 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
> > > 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
> > > 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
> > >
> > > TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):
> > > I think you have things a little confused. Here are the
> > > reasons you didn't get more than you did:
> > > 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
> > > 36 times you did not come home at all
> > > 21 times you didn't cum
> > > 33 times you came too soon
> > > 19 times you went soft before you got in
> > > 38 times you worked too late
> > > 10 times you got cramps in your toes
> > > 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
> > > 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
> > > 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
> > > 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
> > > 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
> > > 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
> > > 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading adirty book
> > > 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, playing
video
> >games etc. on TV
> > >
> > > Of the times we did get together:
> > > The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the
> >sheets.
> > > I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
> > > "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me
> >move
> > > was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
> > >
*G* also try this one......
Subject: Female Guinness Book of Records
Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova ‘Swing’ on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.
Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch ‘The Ipcress File’. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking “Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?” revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of ‘633 Squadron’ before asking “Is this a war film, then?”.
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1998 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for £12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1998, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard’s window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks 2 days before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unelightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she’d left the bath running.
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick’s affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.
Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she’d had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasms.
